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Broken Facade

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[06 Mar 2007|12:45am]

ok som I ahve sort of a weird situation.

There is this boy I emt in school, and I think I like him but I'm not sure, anyway he seems to like me back, hes always flirting with me, or well I think hes flirting, he always puts his arm around me, when we're walking and when we're sitting, he also rests on my shoulders alot, he also plays wiht my hair alot, messing it up and just simply playing with it. He seems to liek to touch em when we're talking. We used to get into piching battles and ruller fights like we were kids, sometimes though we would pinch eachother so hard we would leave bruises. hes protective of my when I'm around other guys, he always puts his arm on/around me more. He wispers in my ear alot to. I know I'm 18 nd in college and shoudl be able to figure this out on my own but this one is hard. Things like this it seems never get any easier though. anyway, the thing is when ever hes around a mutual friend, he semi ignores me, he still puts his arm on and around me, but somthing says hes paying alot of sttention to here and what shes saying. Now I know he had a bit of a crush on her at the begining of the year, before I met him. Soon after we met, we went out on a couple of dates, but then nothing happened it just moved into him flirting.
Ok so heres where it gets complicated, There is this other friend of ours, a guy, who I think likes me to, but still I get the feelign he also likes the ame mutual friend. But he doesn't do any of the physical flirting stiff the othet guy does, he just says things, little things mostly, but cute flirty things.
And then there is this other guy, who I think likes me to, hes in my drawing class and always walks me to and from class, even tohugh it makes him late for other things. is always following me, telling my how interesting anf pretty I am.

The thing is, I think I like the first boy the most, but I don't know whats going on with him, the second boy I also don't know what to do about, and the third boy I like him but not as much. The thing is hwo long do I wait for the first boy who confuses me before going for the third one who is safe?

The mutual friend also has a boyfriend who lives far away who she is in love with. So sometimes with the first two boys I feel like I'm second best. I asked the first boy if he liked the mutual friend once, but he said not, that he liked her just as a friend.

The wholw thing is just confusing for me. I know I'm being stupid but I felt like I just had to rant.
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[05 Feb 2007|08:04pm]

[ mood | crushed ]

Hey i'm new here.

I'm posting because I need to get this out of my system. For the first time in awhile i've felt like doing things I shouldn't. I decided last night to stop talking to my friends. All of them.

They didn't hurt me or anything we just disagree on everything. I can't stand them telling me everything they say is right and my thoughts be dammed. I spoke with them about my issues and they feel as if I can't listen to their adivce i'm not worth their time. Too bad they never really have time to listen and when they make time for me outside of their busy schdeules its rushed...

I understad my friends are busy...I want to suppourt them...but when they do find time for me most of it is spent looking down on me for my descions.

I just wish I had someone who doesn't throw everything back in my face an actually listens to me. Someone who could understand my problems and no de-value them everytime I opened my mouth.

Do people like that exist?

3 comments|post comment

not sure [13 Jan 2007|05:44pm]

[ mood | sad ]

Not sure why I decided to post. Not sure why I'm feeling down/mad. I...just did and just am. Today hasn't really been particularily bad but, for whatever reason, I'm in a bad kinda mood. Everything just sucks right now. I keep thinking about how nice cutting would be...I know, stupid. I find myself thinking about what it'd be like...how sweet would that pain be to me... Again, stupid, but that's what I'm like. Sometimes I wonder why I don't cut...I mean, how would my family know...would those around me be able to tell and, perhaps more importantly, would they care/try to stop me. I'd think no but I'm probably wrong. They still haven't forgotten about me...I'm still visible. I still smoke too much and drink when I can. Anyway, I don't really know what I came here to say but maybe I got something out...something I wanted to say. As I said in my intro post, please don't worry about or feel too sorry for me...I have to convince too many people to forget about me already...

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"Be yourself" [12 Jan 2007|10:42pm]

[ mood | confused ]

"be yourself".
Be myself? Be myself? How can I be myself when you aren't yourself?
How can I be myself when I don't even know who I am?
I look to the bottom of my soul, my inner most being
and theres nothing there
or rather
theres someone
because me isn't just one person.
Me is different people, different personalities, depending on the time and place, the people and my mood
I don't even know who the real me is
So how can you
and outsider to my world of comforting chaos and confusion
A spectator
Know me?
How can you
ask that of me
The best answer I can give
is that I am me
I don't know who else I am
For I am the artist
I am the poet
I am the dark
I am the light
I am the confused, the bitter, the dissilusioned, the scarred, the scared
I am me

3 comments|post comment

[30 Nov 2006|05:38pm]

[ mood | contemplative ]

Hi. My name is Calli (musecalliopeia), and I am now 23 months clean of cutting!

I started cutting when I was 16. I am now 34. Prior to getting into recovery, the longest I'd been able to go without cutting was about a month and a half.

I recently opened a new self-injury recovery journal, selfinjuryanon. Please feel free to come by and check it out - anyone is welcome to join. I want this to be a safe, supportive place for people to come together and share their experiences.

I don't post about my new community to be obnoxious - I post because I'm proud of the recovery I've found, how long I've gone without hurting myself, and I want to help other people. I'm proud of the members of my new community, and the way that they are opening up to themselves, to one another, and how they are reaching for help, and reaching out to help.

See, a couple years ago, I hit bottom. Hard. And when I looked around for help, I couldn't find anything, really. There was no "self-injury [or self-mutilation or cutters, or whatever] anonymous". I talked to therapists and people who worked in the recovery community, and they didn't know of anything. So I created this community to be a safe haven for people who self-injure. There are a lot of us, and we mostly feel so very alone.

But we're not alone. We have each other, and we can help each other get through this. We all know how tough it is, and we're learning how satisfying it is to make it through.

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[28 Sep 2006|02:24am]

So college is pretty good, But I am so tempted to cut, there are sharp tbings all around me and the work is hard, but most of all I just miss it, I've been cut free for six months but I miss it terribly. My family is in such a point right now, Two of my uncles have cancer, on has a tumor on his pancreas the other has lukemia. My little brother is not getting any better, He has minor Autism and Siezures, My older brother is going ot Iraq at the end of ocgtober and I am stuck here looking at shiny metal objects. Man it would feel so good right now. My ocd is stagnant, I can't stop touching things muliple times and counting, It can take me two hours to get to sleep because of it. Man a slice would be so good right now. or two. or three.

So how are you all?
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... [13 Sep 2006|03:41pm]

[ mood | tired ]

I'm new here...but this seemed like a community for me. I'm different than some of you...or those of you who I've read posts of...which isn't too many actually. I don't cut and I don't drink much. I smoke heavily and think of cutting but I don't. It isn't because I think it's wrong or anything (which it is, even if my mind can find reasons to do it) but because I care too much about those around me. I injure myself, but not physically...it's a mental thing with me. This has nothing to do with the fact that I care about myself but for the fact that I care about those around me...the people who, for whatever reason, care about me. I don't feel my pain is worthy of causing them sadness...if they could/would forget about me I have no question that I would cut...that I'd probably kill myself. I just don't feel i have the right to cause them that pain...that sadness and so, my wounds are mental. Rather than scar myself I scar my psyche and my spirit. I'm the guy who sits in the corner or in his room thinking about how nice it would be to see my own blood...to feel the life spilling out of me...staining the floor... Well, that's all I have to say for now...comment if you feel like it...but please don't feel sorry or bad or anything for me...too many people feel for me already...

2 comments|post comment

Well... [23 Jun 2006|06:39pm]

[ mood | crushed ]

I've noticed lately how much people cry out for help but in silent ways. I've notice lately people have been clinging to me because they are scared of something or they just want love that I can't give them. People want to many things and I don't know how to give people what they want. When someone comes over it usually ends up in me giving my body to them and the next time the call or try to get ahold of me i don't answer.. I ignore them because i have nothing left to give. My whole life story remains a secret and when someone tries to get close to me I think they are dumb for caring.
I've been diagnosed with an Atrial Septal Defect.. a hole in the upper part of my heart.. I can't afford surgery and my substance abuse makes it worse.. I've been experiencing symptoms and I've been told if not taken care of I will die of heart failure... and as scared as I am of dying.. I don't think i could care less. I don't know how to live each day like i'm dying basically because each day i live i spend my time looking for drugs and alcohol anyway way to get high to make me feel..normal?
Maybe I'm going crazy, or maybe i don't know how to deal with the things thrown my way.. or maybe i'm just to die and be forgotten because i have nothing else to live.
If i died.. do you think anyone would miss me?
2 comments|post comment

Looking For Comfort [22 Jun 2006|08:45pm]

[ mood | blank ]

I use to cut myself when things became too much
when thoughts would rush thru my head
when pain would captivate me
an i needed a way for it to stop
when i hated myself
an saw that my future was dead
i havent doen that in quite a while now, but i am going to be movin soon an starting a new school. My fear is that i will get depressed and not fit in like when i moved to where i am currently at. I now if this happens i will most likely cut myself. I dont liek duin it becasue i always regret it when i see the scars, and when ppl call em crazy or insane for doing that.

I hate admiting to cuting myself b/c the way ppl react to it. when i found this community i was relieved, b/c i noe now that i am not alone, im no the only 1 who does it.

Does n e one noe sum way to help me
sum kind of technique to stop myself from cutting when the depression becomes too much im so sick of the scars

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[15 Jun 2006|01:21am]

Do we take drugs to get high? or just not to feel? Do we cut because we need to? Or do we cut because we have to? What is the difference? Have we become such a society that people are willing to hurt and ultimatly kill themselves not to feel? To get away from it? To tell the truth I'm scared, because if we're not there already, we're heading dangerously close. My scars remind me of everything that has happened in my life good or bad, does that mean I'm numb to the pain, that I can't tell the difference between good and bad? Does it even matter? That is the biggest question of all, I think, does it matter? What matters, is it really what you do with you're life, if so who decides what was worth while?

I saw a bunch of boys in the woods a couple weeks ago, they were about ten or twelve and they were passing around a joint, I just looked at them. Even though I knew it was wrong, esspecially that young, I didn't say anything. Does this mean that I am lazy? Does this mean that I don't really find it as reprehensible as I should? Does it mean that I don't want to get involved? Or does it mean that I simply don't care? I don't know. I truely don't know.

These are just my late - night rambling, feel free to leave a comment.
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[10 Jun 2006|09:42pm]

Stuff going on.
So yeah I haven't posted in a while, I'm staying prettymuch cut free, a few instences here and there but pretty much cut free. I went to the beach a few days ago and was panicking about how to cover my scars, I have a ton on my thigh. I put tons of make up on it, but it turns out we just lay in the sun so i didn't have to take my skirt off.

My brother passes his second portion of army ranger training, I think hes insane but I'll never tell him that. I'll never tell him that I think the war he fought in is unjust, and illeagal, he doesn't diserve that. He's a good man, this wasn't his desision to go to war. I am all for supporting the troops, even if the war they're fighting erks me to my very core.

My brother couldn't be there for my high school graduation because of his army stuff, he hasn't been there for any of my important things since before my Bat Miztvah ( I was 13), and he feel really bad I know. So when he graduates from Ranger school he's flying me out to Georgia to pin his Ranger badge on him. I almost cried when I found out. I love him so much.

So that's my life as of late.

So how are you all?
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[12 Apr 2006|10:24am]

I haven't eaten anything but an apple a day for the last four days. My brother Luke started joking that the expression "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" does not apply to anorexics. I know he was joking around, but I can tell he's really worried about me.

I am cutting practically every day now. I'm getting worse. Thinking about either going back to therapy or going in patient again. I don't want to but I might have to. I'm falling apart. I know I'm dangerously close to the edge.
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[11 Apr 2006|09:02am]

I'm feeling really suicidal today. I want to be ok. I am trying, but it's so hard. I am ready to snap. I am over the edge. I'm not even sure what is keeping me here anymore.
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[16 Mar 2006|01:42pm]

[ mood | distressed ]

What would you do if I told you a secret? I have a secret and I have kept it so long that I don't think I can tell anyone anymore.

I flipped out. I cut. Nothing too bad, but still enough that I am angry at myself. I want this to end. I can't keep existing like this.

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[16 Mar 2006|10:33am]

[ mood | stressed ]

I want to cut so badly right now.... I'm praying I can make it through the next couple of hours. I am losing it.

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newbie [13 Mar 2006|12:33pm]

Hi, I'm Katie. I'm 21, new to livejournal, and losing my mind. I could really use a friend. I am a cutter with anorexia issues. I don't know what else to say except that I really need some support right now. My dad is coming home and that's never good.

Is anyone out there?
2 comments|post comment

Stuck [28 Feb 2006|06:29pm]

[ mood | cold ]

Well I found out my girlfriend cheated on me and was back together with her ex and she didn't bother to tell me, so I decided I deserved a well needed fix. Well i hadn't shot up Meth in quite a while and I have a heart condition so it wasn't a good idea but i wasn't really thinking at the time. Thank god my friend Gus was around because about a minute or two after words i collapsed on the floor. I don't really remember the rest but i remember waking up on his bed and my heart was pounding it felt like it was going to beat through my chest, plus the other side affects of meth blah blah. I dunno it scared me and made me realize i can't handle that shit anymore, which in some sense made me sad. But i wouldn't have a heart condition if it was for the damned drugs anyway.. but i dunno if i am ready to stop.. does anyone have any adivice or a good motive to help stop?

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The glowing exit sign in my mind [27 Feb 2006|11:18am]

Might go paint the white roses red. Might go put a hole in my head.
Suicide has lost it's shine. Death isn't a comfort of mine.
I'd leave too much behind. And in no other world will i find.
What it really is i was loking for all along, a love that is mine.

Finger tips match and i pray that they find a prayer.
A cure to the darkness, some words to quench the thirst in our minds.
Bow your head and block the light, why do we always fight?
Someone knocks the milk and blood splatters all over the floor.
Some people get a cloth others just want to settle a score.
They fight over coco pops. A child goes hungry off to school.
We learn nothing, we breed our cereal killers, raise them on sin and society.
The bread and water of our issues.
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[28 Dec 2005|09:45am]

its been 1 week and 3 days since ive had a drink. its been a month since ive cut... its been so hard.. all i want to do is hack myself to bits and see muscle, fat, and bone.

even the smell of alcohol drives me insane with cravings of a drink.

but gods still there, guiding me, showing me the light. showing me theres a life out there that isnt so dark.

For the people that are reading this, there is another world out there, dont get me wrong, its really hard getting there, and it isnt paradise, its still got your day to day struggles, but if youve been stuck in the same hell ive been in, its so much better.
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[30 Jul 2005|02:30am]

So...i've been having a bad past few days...Scratched my leg with my fingernail till skin started pealing off.

cutCollapse )
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